“You see love as transactional. Which likely means… you were taught to perform for love.”
That one sentence unravelled me.
In today’s episode of the ‘True Soul Love Podcast’ I share a moment of unexpected soul revelation sparked by a conversation that began with a single question:
“What’s your erotic fantasy?”
What followed was a lightning bolt of insight:
I’ve spent most of my life performing for love.
Not metaphorically but quite literally.
As a child, I was a performer, a poet, a playwright, I even appeared on TV.
I ran creative writing workshops(some were for adults), starred at festivals, and often missed school to work in other schools.
Sometimes I performed three or four times a week, getting home at 2am, only to be up again by 7am for school.
I never said no, because it wasn’t an option.
I was awarded an Equity card, the UK equivalent of SAG, before I was old enough to understand what equity even meant.
I was paid handsomely yet never saw a penny.
The cheques would be placed in my mother’s hand. She’d smile. And I’d interpret that smile as love.
That was the trade.
Others would look down on me with eyes of wonder, awe, adoration, and delight as I performed my little socks off, in an effort to make everyone proud of me.
I was often a conduit for other people’s ideas, and left to fend for myself against competitive older performers who saw me as stealing their limelight. I learned to people please, smile, and be compliant, in order to, experience safety. The exchange was the reward of perceived love from my closest family members.
And so, I learned:
To be loved, I must give.
To be wanted, I must produce.
To be safe, I must perform.
💔 It wasn’t just my childhood. This pattern echoed into every relationship, romantic, familial, and even professional, as I became an accomplished salesperson in the heady world of media.
💔 My erotic imagination wasn’t a fantasy. It was my soul’s deepest unmet need:
“Let me rest. Let someone else carry the burden. Yet still a transactional interaction.”
In this episode, I open the door to a much younger version of me, the girl before the stage, the smile, the applause.
The one who’s now asking to come home. To be remembered. To be loved.
🎧 Listen now: The Performer: Finding the Path Backward to My Truest Self
💌 For anyone who's ever felt loved for what they do more than who they are, this one’s for you.
Coming soon to True Soul Love:
You'll be hearing from the incredible coach who guided this transformational insight, a trailblazer in embodied erotic development for women, whose work is opening powerful portals to personal truth. I can’t wait to share her voice with you.
But for now…
Pause with me.
Hold space for your younger self.
And allow the unraveling.
With love (not transaction),
Sherile 💗12
My latest book is now available on Amazon: Backward Love: The Art of Effortless Relationships.
Thanks to Lois Connolly St Germaine for her amazing work and this enlightening moment. Check out her Substack here 👉 https://substack.com/@personaldevelopmenterotica
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